hollow substitutes for belonging, but often barriers to it. Because
true belonging only happens when we present our authentic,
imperfect selves to the world, our sense of belonging can never
be greater than our level of self-acceptance.
“Vulnerability is the birthplace of
love, belonging, joy, courage,
empathy and creativity. It is the
source of hope, empathy, accountability and authenticity. If we want
greater clarity in our purpose or
deeper or more meaningful spiritual
lives, vulnerability is the path.”
If you roughly divide the men and women I’ve interviewed
into two groups—those who feel a deep sense of love and
belonging, and those who struggle for it—there’s only one
variable that separates the groups: Those who feel lovable, who
love, and who experience belonging simply believe they are
worthy of love and belonging. They don’t have better or easier
lives, they don’t have fewer struggles with addiction or
depression, and they haven’t survived fewer traumas or
bankruptcies or divorces, but in the midst of all of these struggles,
they have developed practices that enable them to hold on to the
belief that they are worthy of love, belonging, and even joy.
P: You said that, to be vulnerable, we need to practice
gratitude. How is gratitude an important part of the
process?
B: Practicing gratitude is how we acknowledge that there’s
enough and that we’re enough. I use the word practicing because
the research participants spoke of tangible gratitude practices,
more than merely having an attitude of gratitude or feeling
grateful. In fact, they gave specific examples of gratitude practices
that included everything from keeping gratitude journals and
gratitude jars to implementing family gratitude rituals.
IN THE WORDS OF BROWN, “showing up is our
power.” Be sure to show up and join Brown at the
ISPA Conference & Expo General Session.
Tuesday, Sept. 13
9:30 – 11 am • Opening General Session
P: What do you tell people who are afraid to be
vulnerable because they fear of being taken advantage of
by others who equate vulnerability with weakness?
B: The vulnerability journey is not the kind of journey we can
make alone. We need support. We need folks who will let us try
on new ways of being without judging us. We need to honor our
struggle by sharing it with someone who has earned the right to
hear it. Sharing our vulnerabilities is about building trust, intimacy
and connection.
We’re called to be authentic in all areas of our lives, but one
of the most powerful benefits of real vulnerability is learning
how to set boundaries. If there are people at work or home
who exploit our vulnerabilities, they haven’t earned the right to
hear our stories.
There is no trust test, no scoring system, no green light that
tells us that it’s safe to let ourselves be seen. Trust is a product of
vulnerability that grows over time and requires work, attention,
and full engagement. The research participants described trust as
a slow-building, layered process that happens over time. n
PERSONAL SIDE NOTES
I feel the most vulnerable when: I’m
having honest conversations with Steve
and when I’m parenting
The last book I read cover to cover was:
An Everyone Culture by Robert Kegan,
Lisa Laskow Lahey, Matthew L Miller,
Andy Fleming and Deborah Helsing
The best piece of advice I’ve ever
received was: Courage over comfort (from
the research participants)
The apps I can’t live without are: Instagram
and Slack
As a mother, I find joy in: Watching my kids
be brave
I live the spa lifestyle by: Practicing selfcare as often as I can
HOW DOES ONE FIND the courage to
show up when fear and shame start to become
crippling? Click here to read more powerful
insights from Brown.
July 2016
■
PULSE
31